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Moving forward

Date October 6, 2010

Lately, I have found myself in an insurmountable amount of emotional pain.  Pain that reverberates through my entire body, leaving me limp, and hopeless, with nowhere to turn.  People?  I lost all ability to cope, with even the most minute of issues.  It has been  next to impossible for me to function in what I would consider a normal way.  The way that I have always been.

I am incredibly angry.  Irritable.  Irrational.  One moment, happy, the next sad.  The next?  So angry that I have walked out on my family (twice) and spent the night in a hotel room by myself, ranting at what I don’t know.  That brief respite, however unjustified, left me feeling drained and comatose.  Depression cuts you off from everything that is important to you.  I don’t have the energy to talk to my parents or the rest of my family or friends, because oh my Lord, I just can’t fake it any more.  In my mind, why even try because most people, sadly even my family, just don’t get it.  Let’s be frank here.  How could they understand when they haven’t gone through it themselves?

Much of my family and friends have told me that I just need to get past it. I am overreacting.  Granted, in my youth, I was good at that.  Perhaps I should have been an actress.  So who can blame those who believe that what I am going through is nothing more than an emotional tantrum?

Those who love me most just don’t get it.  My way to deal with it, though not what one would consider the best, is to shut them off.  Not to call.  Not to email.  Cut off all but the absolutely necessary contact.  Is this the right thing to do?  In my heart, no.  They love me despite who I am.  I guess I just want them to understand.  If I were to be truthful, how can they understand unless I take the time to tell them?  To tell them until they HEAR me?

“You need to pray more.  You need to get more sleep.  You need to break through all of this instead of giving in.  You need to…you need to…”  I had to, as much as it hurts me, stop listening.  Because there is something wrong with me.  Terribly wrong.  That can’t be fixed by prayers or just “getting up off my ass already and dealing with it.”  That’s life you know.  Get over it.  Or so I am told.

Here I am, going through this.  Struggling at how I ask for help.  In comes, my yearly check up.  I have been having physical (read female issues) for about a year and a half now.  I am in what is believed to be a peri-menopausal state (or is that country?).  Well below the age of the average menopausal woman.  The symptoms and other tests I have point to several things, and of course Endometrial Cancer is the only one I can remember.  The same day I had my annual, I had a Endometrial Biopsy done and today I got the results.

I am cancer free (even precancerous free).

The doctor talked to me for over an hour and a half after she gave me the results.  I talked (babbled), she listened.  Can you imagine that?  She LISTENED.  She had already read my file before my appointment (ya, I know!) and had quite a bit of options for me.  Oh my the options.  From the least invasive to the one I want to avoid at all costs.

So now? I have a plan.  And am moving forward.  Tonight?  I am happy.

It also helped me, that when I started crying, and became incoherent for NO REASON AT ALL, she put her hand on my shoulder and said “I’m sorry.  Let me help you.  You poor thing.  Let me help.”

And I cried more.

I don’t have cancer.  I am going back on antidepressants.  I’m not just faking it.  And someone believes me.  Physically, I have a plan to help me control the aspects of what I am going through.  I can do this.  More important, I want to.

Watch out world.  I am coming back.

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8 Responses to “Moving forward”

  1. Patti said:

    Sweetie, Im right there with you. Everything will work out, just keep that beautiful chin up! You know Im here if you need me. Love you bunches!

  2. Melonie said:

    I am so glad you wrote this post! Thank you for sharing. I think too many people suffer and are not heard. What a wonderful doctor. *so glad you are cancer free!

  3. Suzanne said:

    Depression is real, and chemical for the most part! I am so glad you are taking the antidepressants, getting the help you need, and that you had a good doctor! There is nothing worse than someone saying….”just get over it”. That is not as easy as it sounds. I know.. been there, got the tshirt. hugs to you!! and here’s to you coming back full force!!!

  4. livey said:

    Funny, it was my ob that first gave me the help and hope I needed at the same point in my life! I’ve been where you are Moogie and I will always have an open ear for anyone going through it, just shoot me an email! PLEASE! You do not have to suffer alone gf! Hugs!

  5. Robin said:

    I decided to look at FB tonight and scan the latest posts. I started reading your blog (on the FB page) and thought that once I clicked on it, I would read some of your famous humor. Laura, as I read, I truly felt your pain. I want you to know that you are NOT alone. My mom, extended family does not understand either. Maybe it was too long ago or they are too busy to really care, who knows. I admire how you opened up and shared these feelings. I am also WAY too young for this peri-enopausal ‘country’, being 4 months younger than you! :-) It is something you and I joked about some 8 years ago or so… thinking that an occasional night sweat was (hopefully) the worst of it! I think you are brave for writing it all and I am grateful too because as I tell you that you are not alone in this, I know I am not alone either. We will get through this too…. and it is a process, not something to “get over”. We are here for each other, okay? You know I am always here for you. And I am so happy that you are cancer free and sad that you had the scare in the first place.
    I miss you! I think you just need a big bowl of Pho and a #26 (was it 26?) to drink. :-)

  6. bobkat said:

    I know how you feel. It’s the most lonely feeling in the world and I am glad the doctor was there for you. I’m actually kind of jealous as I wish someone would say something like that to me. There is nothing worse than trying to tell someone what is happening to you and they simply don’t *hear* what you are saying. People always lean on me, they always expect me to be strong and if I dare to ask for help then it does not sit comfortably with them at all. Those closest to me seem to resent it at worse, ignore it at best. I get the ‘just get over it’ speech or ‘you’ll be fine, you always are’ or even worse they just say ‘I know’ and then tell me all about their problems, but what I really really want is for someone to just say ‘I am so sorry, what do you need?’. I am glad you got that and hope that things keep improving for you. Take care.

  7. Janet said:

    It’s SO hard when no one understands…and so hard to understand when one has never been there. As one who has…I’m SO glad you got to talk to that doctor, that you’re cancer free and that you’re getting some help! Big hugs :-)

  8. Gordon said:

    Laura, wow that was a tough one to read even a week after it was posted, reading down through it though I went erm I’ve been there, not done that thought about it thought, done that, erm not a girl so all “that” is out. Darn it I call myself a friend and I should have perhaps spotted some of this and said “Hey Laura, Get ye to a Doctor I think you suffering from depression or something close”, remember I’ve been there, done that and I’m through the other side and yes there is another side its not always pretty in there but there is another side and so far so good I’m working on stuff, if I feel I’m starting to go, I can think back to what I was before and that stops me dead in my tracks makes me re-evaluate what I’m doing at that moment and turn it around. I make it sound easy, it’s not. I’m just glad I have friends and family that know what i’ve been through and are there to support me. You have my e-mail address, me on FB and thus can find me on yahoo, msn or skype (although the phone number I had for people to call me on is now no longer in service I let that one slip). You can do this Laura, I know you can. I’m so glad your cancer free to :) ** hugs **

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